you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
