I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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