I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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