im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
