I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
