he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
