i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
