He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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