I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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