you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
