What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
