i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
