i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
