Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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