Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
