I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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