I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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