I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
