birth control should be required to get into college
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
