I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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