Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Even my vagina gasped.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
