I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
