Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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