Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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