my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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