I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
