I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
