dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
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