textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
