it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
