im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
