and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
