totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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