i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
