Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I lost the right to judge tonight
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
