you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Im part way to drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
