i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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