I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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