well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
