i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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