i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
