Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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