so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
