oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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