We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
