Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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