I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
