it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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