I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
