i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize