Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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