Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
