i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
