Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
