you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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