Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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