The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
