First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
