We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
