nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
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