Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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