My friends, they love my intelligence
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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