if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
honey bunches of taint.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
