Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My pussy is not your playground.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
