Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
